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Music to F*ck To
Sexy jams, sultry beats, dark nights
I’d like to start this with some caveats: obviously taste is subjective and what’s considered sexy is extremely subjective. Please listen with an open mind and no judgement! I have zero shame about what I listen to and neither should you. I’ve also decided to write this in the style of “best of” awards. So without further ado, let’s begin.
Best Cheesy/Corny Song about Sex
Love his voice, love the song, but the lyrics crack me up. “Girl without a broom I just might sweep you off your feet.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? If he had a broom, would he still sweep you off your feet? Also, if it was my birthday and the gift was to fuck me, I’d never fuck you again.
Grub On-Trey Songz (or any Trey Songz really, the man has a gift for R & B cringe)
A song about sex using extensive food metaphors? Delightful.
Best Song For Kinky Freaks to Get their Freak On (no, it’s not Missy Elliott’s Get Ur Freak On)
It’s a TIE:
Venus in Furs-Electric Wizard
I love dirty, distortion heavy stoner metal and what’s better than some dirty, distortion heavy stoner metal than a song that references the novel Venus in Furs by masochism’s poster child, Leopold von Sacher Masoch? Exactly.
This song is so sexy to me. The way Iggy vocalizes “do you feel it when you touch me” with the emphasis on “touch”—you know he means fuck. I could have easily gone with I Wanna Be Your Dog here which would have also been appropriate, but the whole “I’m dirt, and I don’t care” lyric feels kinkier to me than “I wanna be your dog” or maybe I’m just not that into pet play. LOL.
An instrumental track, it just screams weird and wild to me. You might also recognize it from the official trailer for Park Chan-Wook’s the Handmaiden (hence the screengrab in the above video).
Best Smooth Jam
Inside My Love-Minnie Riperton
Get in losers, we’re headed to 1975! I love everything about this song: Her voice (incredible), the beats (smooth af), the lyrics-
Two people—just meeting
Barely touching each other
Trying to carry it further
You are one, and I am another
We should be one—inside each other
You can see inside me
Will you come inside me?
Do you wanna ride inside, my love?
Damn. This is the song you play when you want to show you have taste and style. I mean, look at the cover art. She is posed with a LION. I don’t think you can get more badass than that.
Sweet Thang-Shuggie Otis
A sweet concoction of blues, soul, and funk.
Best Electro Sleaze Jam
Smack My Bitch Up-The Prodigy
I have to go with a classic here. Plus it was on the Hackers soundtrack, one of my favourite movies (I very nearly put Original Bedroom Rockers by Kruder and Dorfmeister here which is the song that plays when Angelina Jolie’s character from Hackers has a sex dream about Jonny Lee Miller’s character in red leather). Anyway when this came out in 1997 my 15 year old self’s brain melted.
Fuck the Pain Away-Peaches
Maybe I should have put this as number one instead of The Prodigy, but this is my list!
Best song to fuck to that’s not actually about sex
I obviously could have chosen just about anything here and admittedly, my tastes lean towards the depressing and weird but I don’t care! I stand by all these choices.
Overcome by Tricky
Best song about sex and death (sorry I had to)
Death by Sex-Kim Petras
This whole album is a fun, Halloween-themed pop treat. But I *had* to include this jam.
Most Played Album by Sex Workers (not remotely scientific)
Why? Because it’s sultry, it’s sexy, it’s languid, it’s a trip-hop masterpiece. And sex workers, by and large, have great taste in music. I’ve listened to this album hundreds of times and it is still one of my favourites, both in and outside of the bedroom.
And one bonus song, because I can’t believe I didn’t put PJ Harvey on this list anywhere else.
Long Snake Moan-PJ Harvey
That’s it, that’s all. Thanks for listening with me and may some of these songs take your bedroom antics to new heights.
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